In my mother's shoes
| Health and Fitness |
By Danya Keeley
Fran could not sit still. Her daughter Carlie had phoned sounding very upset. She told Fran she really needed to come over. “Yes, of course, honey”, Fran told her.
However, Fran found herself nervously puttering around the house while she waited for Carlie’s arrival. She felt very anxious regarding what her daughter might want to talk to her about.
For the past five years most of the talks consisted of blame, accusations and anger leveled at Fran. Carlie seemed to hold her mother responsible for all disappointments, failures and lost opportunities she’d experienced in her life.
(Original artwork by Danya Keeley)
Her daughter believed Fran’s dysfunctional behavior had ruined her chances of a happy life.
While Fran wandered around the house she thought about her and Carlie’s life together. She could easily admit she had been ill-prepared for single motherhood at 23 years old. And she would willingly confess that some choices she'd made were not conducive for creating stability in their life.
In hindsight, she would definitely have done things differently. However, like many parents, it was not in her power to change the past.
However, whenever Carlie had wanted to vent, Fran had listened. She simply sat and created a space for her daughter to share her thoughts and feelings. When Carlie was finished, Fran would say she was sorry and tell her daughter she loved her. She would also admit that as a mother she had made mistakes; some of those mistakes had adversely affected her daughter. Fran had never wanted to defend herself or make Carlie feel wrong. She was sincerely sorry for how her daughter obviously suffered.
Still, Carlie never accepted Fran’s remorse or apology and continued to point a finger at her mother whenever life didn’t turn out the way she wanted. Today may be one of those times!
Fran knew Carlie had been at the courthouse all morning signing papers to finalize her divorce. Dissolving a 6 year marriage to an unfaithful husband and the father of her child had been a difficult decision for her daughter to make.
Carlie had sounded very emotional on the phone. Her intense emotions catalyzed the anxiety Fran was now feeling and the fact that she had made up her mind that the usual dynamic between her and Carlie needed to stop. She would not allow her daughter to dump her anger on her any longer. Fran knew in her heart it was not healthy for her or Carlie or the furture of their relationship for things to continues as they were. If Carlie attempted to blame her for her current circumstances, Fran would need to tell her daughter, “Enough is enough. I’m sorry but if this is your idea of a talk I cannot do it any longer.”
Fran had never been very good at confronting Carlie, so this would be a real challenge; and honestly, not one she was looking forward to.
Abruptly she was dragged from her speculative thinking by the sound of a car door slamming. She knew it was Carlie. After taking a deep breath she walked to the front door to greet her daughter.
Carlie was weeping deeply as she rushed through the doorway and flung herself into her Mother’s arms. Fran automatically embraced her only child. Her arms tightened as her daughter’s grief spilled out. “Oh Mom, I really need to talk to you” she sobbed.
With an arm securely wrapped around Carlie’s shoulder, Fran directed them into the living room. They plopped onto the sofa and grabbed for the nearest box of Kleenex.
Fran simply held Carlie while she cried.
Finally Carlie blurted out “Mom I had no idea how difficult and painful divorce could be, even if you are the one leaving. I feel so lost and broken.” Fran did what most mothers do instinctively, she maintained physical contact and nodded understandingly while handing her daughter another tissue.
The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Fran knew the heartache and sorrow would come in waves. So she gently stroked Carlie’s back, letting her know there is no hurry, she could take whatever time she needed. Carlie looked up at her Mom. She opened her mouth, paused, then closed it again and looked down.
Fran suddenly felt a bit of tension building. 'Oh no, is her pain turning into anger? Am I about to get blasted with accusation of ruining her life again?' were the anxious thoughts that began torturing her.
As Fran’s mind raced with possible scenarios, Carlie moved away from her Mother’s arm and squared her body with her Mother’s.’ As Carlie took a deep breath, Fran wanted to cut her off and tell her that she just could not handle the stress of these talks any longer. But Carlie took both of Fran's hands in hers and said “Mom there is something I need to say to you.” Fran could hear the serious and sober tone in her daughter’s voice, as she watched the tears fall from Carlie’s eyes. Her Mother’s heart ached seeing Carlie in such pain.
Fran swallow, bracing herself in anticipation of what her daughter was about to say.
“Mom” Carlie hesitantly began, “Mom--I am so sorry I have blamed you for all the consequences of my own choices. I have been so unfair to you. You have repeatedly received the brunt end of my accusations and harsh judgments.
"I am so sorry! I am so sorry I yelled and screamed and wanted you to somehow pay for my mistakes. I wanted to hurt you because I was hurting. You didn’t deserve that.
"This morning I looked at my little girl wondering what I was going to tell her about her Dad. Then I imaged what it must have been like for you looking at me; searching for how you would explan why didn’t live with us anymore. I realized you felt as helpless as I do.
"You didn’t make the choice Mom, Dad did. Though I always blamed you for making him leave, I know he was the one who left us. He abandoned us for somebody else and that was never your fault!
"I know now you were as broken, lost and confused as I am right now, but you had no one to ask for help. No support at all.
"When I walked out of the court room today I knew I had support. You! I have you, Mom! I also have resources in the community, friends and libraries full of information. You had nothing. Not even a parent to turn too.
"All you could rely on was yourself. You made choices. Some were beneficial to us and some not so much. You were forced to use the trial and error method, which meant that there were consequences which affected us both. I understood you tried to create a life for us from many shattered dreams.
"Mom, I hurt you. I am so sorry. I don’t know how you managed to love me through my tirades. Thank you.
"I know you are not the author of my pain or the circumstances I find myself in today. I know I am accountable for my own life, my own decisions and my own actions.
"Please forgive me.
"I know from the bottom of my heart, you love me and you did the best you could in the circumstances you found yourself in.
"I love you, Mom.”
“Oh, Honey,” was all Fran could whisper as she dissolved in tears and reached for her daughter.
Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
| Next > |
|---|
Powered by Disqus.
